Monday, April 03, 2006
I Believe This is One of the Signs of the Apocalypse
A transcript of a momumental event has come into my possession and I want to share it with. The setting is the apartment of John Heffernan. Late one night about two years ago he was hanging out with a friend of his, David Dalessandro.
[Something being lit and inhaled, although both men are known non-smokers]
John: Hey dude, got some big news.
David: Really, what?
John: You are not going to believe this man.
[inhaling]
David: Stop dicking around and tell me man.
John: New Line Cinema just gave me a shitload of money to write a movie.
David: Kick ass, what movie, what's it about?
John: Don't know, they said they didn't care, they would make whatever I gave them.
David: Well, surely you got some kind of idea what they want?
[more inhaling and coughing]
John: No really man, they don't care. They said the movie business is going right down the crapper and I think they blame themselves. So they decided to take themselves out of the equation and just let someone else take a shot.
David: Wow, that is awesome, but why you?
John: Same reason I just gave, they want new blood, someone fresh.
David: But John, you have never wrote anything. I mean back in high school I know you did some writing for your school paper. I mean was it any good, can you write?
John: Nah, I sucked at it then and I can't imagine that I would be any good now. Besides they said all I had to do was come up with the idea and write a rough draft they would get someone else with a little background in writing to help me out.
David: John, this is so awesome, congratulations.
John: Yeah, I know, and you know what man.
[more inhaling]
David: Huh?
John: I want you to help.
David: Wait John, I have never written anything in my life, nothing.
John: How many times do I have to tell you it don't matter. I got a lot of money and I am offering it to you just to help me come up with an idea. So you in?
David: Well,....sure, why not.
John: Great.
[long silence]
David: John
[silence]
David: John!
John: Sorry I kinda zoned out there for a minute.
David: When do you want to do this.
John: Hell, let's go ahead and get this over with tonight.
David: Tonight, John we can't do this in one night.
John: The hell we can't, I ain't gonna waste days pouring over this for a few million bucks.
David: John?
John: Forget man, let's get started the quicker we get this over with the quicker I can go to sleep. First, we need a setting.
David: How bout New York.
John: Nah, that will be too much work. You have to secure sections of the town you are going to shoot in and getting all those extras. Somewhere smaller so we don't have to change sets alot. Somewhere where we can only have a few people, less than a hundred.
David: How about a train?
John: Nope, too romantic. Too roomy too.
David: Plane?
[inhaling]
John: Perfect. So we have a place. what is going on there?
David: Damn that's big question.
John: Yeah I know, but keep it simple. I don 't want a complicated plot. Just somebody trying to kill someone else. Things like that.
[long silence and more inhaling]
John: I got it. One man is trying to kill another man.
David: It took you all that time to think of that. What's the hook?
John: Hook?
David: What makes this different from any other movie about killing a man.
John: Since when do movies have to be unique or original?
David: I got it maybe the one man is using a wierd weapon to kill the other man.
John: Okay, Okay. I am with you so far.
David: What if it is a tiger?
John: On a plane, what are you smoking?
[both men laugh heartily]
John: I do like the animal idea though, but go smaller.
David: Rats
John: No
David: Snakes
John: No, ..... wait. Snakes sure that could work. CGI snakes though.
David: Of course, who wants to spend all day around real snakes, probably couldn't get them to do what you wanted anyway. Besides with all the money were getting paid we can make some little snakes look good. Have you seen what Peter Jackson is doing with a giant ape.
John: We could make them look real, but that take time and money. I don't think I want to spend money on that and I know I don't want to take the time to do it right, that could take over a year in post.
David: So we have snakes on a plane, what are we going to call it.
[silence]
John: Snakes on a Plane.
David: Yeah, what are we going to call it.
John: Snakes on a Plane, that's what we are going to call it.
David: Simple and catchy I like it. But still?
John: What?
David: This is pretty stupid.
John: Yeah, so.
David: The studio will be upset if it doesn't make some money. People aren't going to watch it when they hear how stupid it is and see how bad the effects are.
John: Well, tell you what. Let's get a recognizable star to be in it.
David: Well, it can't be anybody to picky.
John: True.
[inhaling and silence]
John: Hey, I got it. Who has been in more movies since 1990 than any other actor.
David: Don't know?
John: Well, does these help, Amos and Andrew, Fluke, The Great White Hype, Shaft, The Man.
David: Wait, Sameul L. Jackson.
John: Sure why not, he made Deep Blue Sea, and that could have been called Sharks on a Ship.
David: You know you maybe right, I bet he would do it.
John: Sure he would, now where is your computer let's write this down.
[sounds of typing and murmuring]
Forty-five minutes later.
John: Well, that should do it.
David: Damn, we wrote it all in under an hour. Do you think this is how most movies get started.
John: David, have you been to the movies lately? I think we put in more work on this than most filmmakers do.
[yawning]
John: Well, that's all for me, I am going to bed. I'll call New Line tomorrow.
David: I'm going then. Call me when we need to meet with them.
I only wish the preceding transcript was a work of fiction.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0417148/maindetails
John: Hey dude, got some big news.
David: Really, what?
John: You are not going to believe this man.
David: Stop dicking around and tell me man.
John: New Line Cinema just gave me a shitload of money to write a movie.
David: Kick ass, what movie, what's it about?
John: Don't know, they said they didn't care, they would make whatever I gave them.
David: Well, surely you got some kind of idea what they want?
John: No really man, they don't care. They said the movie business is going right down the crapper and I think they blame themselves. So they decided to take themselves out of the equation and just let someone else take a shot.
David: Wow, that is awesome, but why you?
John: Same reason I just gave, they want new blood, someone fresh.
David: But John, you have never wrote anything. I mean back in high school I know you did some writing for your school paper. I mean was it any good, can you write?
John: Nah, I sucked at it then and I can't imagine that I would be any good now. Besides they said all I had to do was come up with the idea and write a rough draft they would get someone else with a little background in writing to help me out.
David: John, this is so awesome, congratulations.
John: Yeah, I know, and you know what man.
David: Huh?
John: I want you to help.
David: Wait John, I have never written anything in my life, nothing.
John: How many times do I have to tell you it don't matter. I got a lot of money and I am offering it to you just to help me come up with an idea. So you in?
David: Well,....sure, why not.
John: Great.
David: John
David: John!
John: Sorry I kinda zoned out there for a minute.
David: When do you want to do this.
John: Hell, let's go ahead and get this over with tonight.
David: Tonight, John we can't do this in one night.
John: The hell we can't, I ain't gonna waste days pouring over this for a few million bucks.
David: John?
John: Forget man, let's get started the quicker we get this over with the quicker I can go to sleep. First, we need a setting.
David: How bout New York.
John: Nah, that will be too much work. You have to secure sections of the town you are going to shoot in and getting all those extras. Somewhere smaller so we don't have to change sets alot. Somewhere where we can only have a few people, less than a hundred.
David: How about a train?
John: Nope, too romantic. Too roomy too.
David: Plane?
John: Perfect. So we have a place. what is going on there?
David: Damn that's big question.
John: Yeah I know, but keep it simple. I don 't want a complicated plot. Just somebody trying to kill someone else. Things like that.
John: I got it. One man is trying to kill another man.
David: It took you all that time to think of that. What's the hook?
John: Hook?
David: What makes this different from any other movie about killing a man.
John: Since when do movies have to be unique or original?
David: I got it maybe the one man is using a wierd weapon to kill the other man.
John: Okay, Okay. I am with you so far.
David: What if it is a tiger?
John: On a plane, what are you smoking?
John: I do like the animal idea though, but go smaller.
David: Rats
John: No
David: Snakes
John: No, ..... wait. Snakes sure that could work. CGI snakes though.
David: Of course, who wants to spend all day around real snakes, probably couldn't get them to do what you wanted anyway. Besides with all the money were getting paid we can make some little snakes look good. Have you seen what Peter Jackson is doing with a giant ape.
John: We could make them look real, but that take time and money. I don't think I want to spend money on that and I know I don't want to take the time to do it right, that could take over a year in post.
David: So we have snakes on a plane, what are we going to call it.
John: Snakes on a Plane.
David: Yeah, what are we going to call it.
John: Snakes on a Plane, that's what we are going to call it.
David: Simple and catchy I like it. But still?
John: What?
David: This is pretty stupid.
John: Yeah, so.
David: The studio will be upset if it doesn't make some money. People aren't going to watch it when they hear how stupid it is and see how bad the effects are.
John: Well, tell you what. Let's get a recognizable star to be in it.
David: Well, it can't be anybody to picky.
John: True.
John: Hey, I got it. Who has been in more movies since 1990 than any other actor.
David: Don't know?
John: Well, does these help, Amos and Andrew, Fluke, The Great White Hype, Shaft, The Man.
David: Wait, Sameul L. Jackson.
John: Sure why not, he made Deep Blue Sea, and that could have been called Sharks on a Ship.
David: You know you maybe right, I bet he would do it.
John: Sure he would, now where is your computer let's write this down.
Forty-five minutes later.
John: Well, that should do it.
David: Damn, we wrote it all in under an hour. Do you think this is how most movies get started.
John: David, have you been to the movies lately? I think we put in more work on this than most filmmakers do.
John: Well, that's all for me, I am going to bed. I'll call New Line tomorrow.
David: I'm going then. Call me when we need to meet with them.
I only wish the preceding transcript was a work of fiction.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0417148/maindetails
# posted by Brandon Michael Collinsworth @ 9:27 AM 
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In September 1994 I wrote and registered a film treatment entitled SNAKES. Synopsis: Poisonous snakes are freed from a crate on a passenger airplane while in flight over an ocean. It was pitched as "JAWS" on an airplane...SNAKES on a PLANE? I later turned it into a screenplay, registered May 1998. A letter from New Line Cinema's attorneys told me in essence that if I make a claim, they'll huff and puff til they blow my house down.
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# posted by 
: 12:12 PM
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